10 Questions to Ask Yourself in a Relationship

  1. Do I not only respect and trust them … But do I admire them? I think this one is big. The first time I went out with my now boyfriend (Am I allowed to say his real name? I feel like I shouldn’t for privacy purposes, right? He’s still in my phone as “Hot Photographer”, which he’s aware of and I think secretly loves, so let’s just call him HP). Anyway, the first time I went out with HP, I couldn’t help but love his story. He did a 180 with his career and left Corporate America to start his own business and is doing really well. He’s ambitious and driven and self-motivated and I love the life he created and continues to build for himself. Beyond that, he’s one of the kindest, most caring, most empathetic souls I’ve ever met. There’s that whole saying that you become a combination of the 5 people you spend the most time with. Do you want to be like your partner? … Because if not, you should probably breakup.
  2. Do I genuinely enjoy spending time with their family and friends? And vice versa? This one might seem obvious but there’s a difference between tolerating your partner’s friends and family and genuinely enjoying their company. The more your relationship progresses, the more involved and important these connections become. Ask yourself where you fall on this spectrum and be honest. Life gets richer when you love each other’s people.
  3. Does my heart melt a little every time I see them smile? They say eyes are the window to the soul. Well I think a smile is the window to the heart. It’ll tell you everything you need to know about someone very, very quickly.
  4. Do I like making out with them? Sex is great … But there’s something almost more intimate about simply kissing and enjoying that form of connection. I love having sex with HP, but I LOVE making out with him … To the point where I makeout with him in public and I was never a PDA girl. If you don’t love making out with your partner, I think you’re missing out … And you should probably breakup.
  5. What is my energetic state not only during, but after our interactions? This was another big one for me. As a yoga instructor, I wholeheartedly believe in the power of vibes. After each date, take a beat to reflect on how your body feels. Are you lethargic and unmotivated? Do you feel a little anxious and stressed out? Do you feel like you need a day to unwind? Do you feel like something is off? I felt this way a lot with my ex and I would imagine he felt the same way about me. It’s weird how we get all these signals but still choose to ignore them. Your body knows if something is right or wrong for you … You just have to listen to it … And trust it.
  6. Would they not only be there for me if I needed something, but would they be there for my best friend? I remember having dinner with one of my girlfriends shortly after getting back from a trip with HP. I was filling her in on all the events from the week and how things were going more broadly and she said to me “I feel like if I had a problem, I could call HP and he’d handle it.” That meant everything to me. Choose someone who is loving and generous not only towards you, but with your most important people too.
  7. Do I like myself when I’m with this person? Do my best qualities come out? In a relationship, we’re often so focused on the other person and what THEY are doing that we often forget about what the relationship is doing for us. Take some time to think about how you’ve been showing up in the world since this person showed up in your’s. Are you kinder? Warmer? More considerate? Do you like who you are more or less with this person in your life than without? And again … Be honest.
  8. Could I be in a car with this person for 8 hours and actually enjoy it? Because if the answer is no, you should probably breakup.
  9. How do they deal with stress? Their stress, your stress, and/or your dog’s stress? A month into dating, HP and I drove about two hours outside of Denver to go on his favorite hike. We took Eve (my dog) with us and for the entirety of the ride, she whined. And not like a soft, subtle, cute whine … I’m talking a loud, piercing, horrifying yelp that made you want to either throw her out of the car or roll into traffic yourself. I probably apologized 1,000 times during that car ride and all HP kept saying was “It’s totally fine. I don’t even notice it.” He HAD to have been lying … It was awful … But I loved how patient he remained. Moral of the story — Find someone who knows how to stay calm and grounded in moments of stress. It’ll make life so much easier to navigate.
  10. Have our conflicts/arguments/misunderstandings/etc. brought us closer or driven us further apart? My Godfather once said that every challenge can be looked at as a problem or an opportunity and I couldn’t agree more, especially in this instance. Conflicts/arguments/off-days/misunderstandings are one of the best opportunities to strengthen connection. Think about the last challenge you and your S.O. faced … And think about what happened the days after. Was there an uneasiness that lingered on? Or did you find yourself loving that person even more?

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Arthi Meena

Arthi Meena

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