10 (more) Questions to Ask Yourself in a Relationship
A few months ago, I published the article 10 Questions to Ask Yourself in a Relationship. I had been with my current partner for just about 3 months … But our relationship escalated pretty quickly so 3 months kind of felt like a year (in a good way!).
Today, we’re 7 months in (which equals roughly 2 years if you factor in the escalation rate), and in honor of Valentine’s Day, I figured I’d toss a few more questions your way to navigate the sometimes murky waters of your relationSHIP :)
Before diving in, be sure to check out the initial 10 Questions to Ask Yourself in a Relationship … Because those are equally as important!
Okay. Here we go.
11. What are their habits and would I be okay if those habits rubbed off on me? The more time you spend with your partner, the more you will adopt each other’s good (and bad) habits. It’s inevitable. Take some time to think about their lifestyle … Think about their day to day … Think about their eating habits … Think about their work ethic … Think about how much they drink … Think about the lifestyle you’ve created for yourself and think about how their lifestyle could impact that. Example — I once dated a guy who ordered every single meal out. Like EVERY meal. He never cooked for himself and ate like sh*t and said he was too busy with work to even think about cooking and it was easier to just get takeout all day long. I didn’t want that lifestyle anywhere near me. Now I’m with a man who grills me chicken, who appreciates his health, and who inspires me to make my bed every morning and I couldn’t be happier.
12. Does this person make me want to be better? The other day I texted HP a picture of a book on relationship communication and a note that said “I bought this so I can be better for you.” To which he responded, “I secretly started one also.” No matter how much work we’ve done on ourselves, there’s always room for improvement. The right partner will accept you, flaws and all, but the right relationship will make you want to level up.
13. Do I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve my partner? I’ll preface by saying you should absolutely feel secure in your relationship and you should feel confident about yourself and what you bring to the table. That said, if you don’t regularly look at your partner and think to yourself “how the hell did I get so lucky?”, I think you might be settling.
14. Am I willing to give up my space in order to be with this person? This question is geared more towards my fellow avoidants/independents/people who simply just love their alone-time and their freedom. I’ve lived solo since I was 19 years old (and I’m going on 33 in a couple months). While I love people and being social and spending time with friends, I LOVE coming home to a quiet, empty space. I love nights to myself. I love solo weekends getting lost in the mountains. I love living alone and everything that comes with that experience. That said, HP and I will be moving in together, and even though I’m naturally a little anxious about living with someone, I can’t wait to take that step with him. On nights we spend apart, I miss seeing him. On nights that we stay together, I love waking up next to him. And I’m excited to get to do that everyday even if it means a little less me-time.
15. When I’m losing my sh*t, does this person’s presence naturally calm me? There are a small handful of people in your life who’s energy, who’s presence, who’s vibe will instantly put you in a better mood. These people are treasures to be cherished. When you find them, you must hold onto them. And if your partner isn’t one of them, your life will be harder than it needs to be.
16. Are you both saying “Yes” more than you’re saying “No”? One of the best pieces of relationship advice I’ve ever heard is to say “yes” to your partner as much as you can. Are you currently doing this? Are they currently doing this? If not, try it for a week and notice how it changes the dynamic of your relationship. What would it look like if you said yes to more date nights? Or yes to trying out each other’s hobbies? Or yes to spending more time with each other’s friends and family? I said yes to skiing the other week, and even though it was the most terrifying experience of my life, I wanted to do something that HP loved doing because I knew it would be meaningful to him. In follow up, I asked him to run a half marathon with me … Let the training begin :)
17. Are we openly talking about our sex life … Our finances … Our challenges in the relationship … What we need … And every other topic we should be talking about but sometimes shy away from? This question seems like an obvious one, but you’d be surprised how many people never actually talk about any of these things until there’s a fight about it. I was that way with an ex, and reflecting back, it’s crazy to me that we talked about a future together without ever discussing these topics regularly. Think about the last week (or few) … What conversations have you had that might have been uncomfortable to engage in but ultimately had a huge impact on your relationship? And if you’re not having these kinds of conversations … Then what are you even talking about?
18. Have we had multiple big fights, and if so, how has our communication evolved? HP and I have had plenty of heated conversations to date. The first time it happened, I was so afraid we were going to breakup because that was the pattern I was used to in my last relationship. But we worked through it. And the more arguments we’ve had, the better our communication has gotten. By no means is it perfect, but we’re learning and we’re both trying and we’re evolving together. Ps — If you and your partner are one of those couples that just “don’t fight” … Please revert back to question 17 and ask yourself if you’re truly engaging in critical dialogue.
19. What is their type of crazy and can I work with it? We’re all a little looney in our own special way, and I think the right partner not only accepts your level of crazy, but overtime starts to kind of adore it.
20. And last, but certainly not least … Is our relationship truly progressing? Be honest with yourself here. If you and your partner are over the ages of 30, things move quicker. That’s just how it is. If a couple years have gone by and you’re still in the same phase you were that first year of dating, it’s not going anywhere. I’m not necessarily saying you need to get engaged/married/have kids/etc. but there does need to be some ongoing progression in whatever way is meaningful to the both of you. If your relationship is not moving up … It’s probably plateauing … And will likely plummet.
On that note, Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope these questions provided some food for thought. Good luck in your journey, and as always, thanks for reading!
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